Why.

You know, every time I think of writing something here, I have boatloads of things to type. Then when I actually sit down to type it out, it vanishes. Perhaps it's a sign that I shouldn't type it.

I am seriously considering seeing a therapist or something. I feel like something is wrong with me and that I constantly need attention or reassurance. I am paranoid a lot that people are mad at me, talking about me or judge my every move/action. I really don't know why I've become this person. I feel like everyone else has their own priorities and even though I've made them a top priority on my list, I'm not on theirs. I understand this but it still stings a little.

Why am I having such a hard time? And why are so many people so fucking inconsiderate? Ugh excuse me while I bang my head against the wall.

This world is depressing.

Why do people kill? I know there are times I get really upset with someone but never in my life has killing them come across my mind. I have seen so many headlines lately with Drew Peterson and his completely delirious story he's gotten so many to believe about not killing his wives.... and what gets me even more is he's getting married to a 23 year old with 2 kids. Does this woman not have a brain? Does she think she is exempt from Drew killing her? Really. Why in the hell are people so dumb?! Maybe her self-esteem is low but guess what? So is mine and you don't see me marrying wife killers.

Which brings me to my next entry topic. I think I am so self-conscience about my body because I am fat. I don't say that to get sympathy or for people to say "no you're not!". I am... I am not morbidly obese but I am not comfortable with myself. I see all of these people who are size 2 and look so pretty or stylish in their outfits because their arms don't have fat wings hanging underneath. Or they can wear a cute little belt with their jeans and tuck their shirt in because they don't have a little pooch for a stomach... no no, they have washboard abs. And those are the only people allowed to do that. I don't do things, like dance, or wear more revealing clothing, because I know I'm fat. I feel if I wear things that show a roll or my big ol' arms, I have to wear a sign that says "I know I'm fat but it's hot outside". I know how I judge people sometimes, which is why I know people are thinking the same thing when they see me. It's not right and I hate that I can be so judgmental. I've become better about it but still... I may be naive about some things but this, I am not. I am working on it (with the exception of when I came home from work last night and had basically 3 hot dogs... I put them on whole wheat bread if that makes a difference. LOL I was so stinkin' hungry and craved for them. Weird.)

This week is so busy but I am so excited about it. I am having lunch at one of my favorite restaurants on Thursday with some friends from work.... then Friday to Sunday, friends are coming in from out of town and we'll spend the weekend in Chicago. I am super excited and can't wait! I really hope the weather holds out for us, especially Saturday night when we go on the sunset cruise. My camera battery is ready to charge. Hehe.

And one more thing... this NLN exam I took on Wednesday.... what a crock. They really need to get someone that was not born in the 1800's to make the rules and head the corporation. It was absolutely ridiculous. Talk about making you feel like a complete and utter dumb ass. There were maybe 5 questions regarding A&P on the Science section and the rest were Physics, Geology, Earth Science and Chemistry. I cannot even describe how pissed off I was. I will also never forget the word 'teetotaling' because I thought it meant ovulation based on the context of the sentence it was in... instead it means 'to abstain from drinking'. So I'm a teetotaler most of the time. ;-) I intend to use this in a sentence quite often now. I have to put my $60 registration fee to good use because I have a very bad feeling I'll be writing another $60 check to the damn college to retake the NLN in October. :-( Please pray that's not the case. *sigh*

This time tomorrow I will be done with Physiology forever. That is such an accomplishment for me. I am thrilled!! I never thought I'd pass it! It may have taken two times total but I feel I've learned a lot during the two times. Then the NLN on Wednesday. 5 hours of testing. *UGH* I am so not looking forward to that, especially since it'll be 80* and sunny all day. Of course it will. It can't be 50 and rainy while I am stuck inside all day.

I am so thrilled to finally be done after this week and to get a break. Back to my walks, being organized and myself. :) Kind of. ;-)

I am excited for friends coming into town in 2 weeks. Actually less than 2 weeks! It'll be a great time. I made the reservations for the sunset cruise and printed out the tickets... now if I remember to bring them to Chicago, that'll be an even bigger accomplishment. Hehe! The weekend is going to fly by but I'm bringing 2 camera batteries so we should be set. ;-)

I have become quite bitter lately. I don't know if I'm "growing up" or what. But I am really starting to have a negative outlook on some things. I don't really like it but I cannot seem to shake it. A bumper sticker on Facebook made me think:
"Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, give someone, do for someone or be there for someone, it will never be enough. And you have to decide if it's worth it to keep throwing your heart at their feet, so they can walk all over it one more time...". It really made me start thinking. And I can't decide if I am on the receiving end or if I'm the only stomping on people's hearts. Perhaps a bit of both. Maybe my whole outlook will change once school is done for the spring and I can relax. Maybe.

I've also decided I'm going to get my Bachelor's degree in nursing since I am almost there anyway with the amount of credits that I have. It won't be until after I get my RN but I'm still pretty excited about it. :) That's all for now. I could go on and on but this is long enough for no one to read. LOL Peace.

I think I missed out....

...never thought I would feel like that.... I hate it.