Panic/Anxiety Attack

Not fun. Not fun at all. I keep having these mini panic attacks. I just sat and bawled in my room about not being able to plug in my alarm clock... was it really about not being able to plug in my alarm clock? No. Tomorrow is my first clinical for Med Surg and I just am so nervous about it. It's at a hospital 20-30 minutes away from me and we need to be there by 0645 which means I have to leave my house about 10 minutes to 6am. I have three alarms set so I'm sure I'll wake up (though I'm sure I won't sleep much at all tonight... I usually wake up every hour when I have clinicals the next morning for fear of oversleeping). I must be up and in the shower by 4:30am. Then I get to do it all over again Friday morning and THEN go to work at 3pm. I don't know what to expect from this clinical instructor, I haven't passed meds yet (because at the other hospital, they used a new system and the instructors weren't trained in it yet) and our main focus is IV's. :-\ It just downright scares the shit out of me. We JUST learned about IV's last week and as much as I've practiced, I am in no way shape or form ready to do much of anything on my own. 

Not to mention the clinical eval we'll have to do by Monday, I have a quiz and case study to do by Sunday for Med Surg and a test to study for for Med Surg and then the second exam for Physical Assessment on Tuesday night. We have a pneumonia simulation on Wednesday and then clinical Friday. Bring work and getting time to practice in the lab into the picture and you have one stressed out Amanda. Beyond stressed. PLUS I told myself I'd run in a 5K Saturday... 0830 in the morning.

7 more weeks...

First week of Medical Surgical nursing is behind me and stress and crazy pacing back and forth is in front of me. I have never been so incredibly busy than I had been this past week and it's not about to get better. Thursday was lab from 0800-1pm and part of our lab component is to practice a minimum of 2 hours. I had to work Thursday afternoon so I stayed for an hour after lab until about 2:15pm. We got no break during lab because each lab session ran overtime.. I ran home, literally threw off my uniform, threw on anything I could find, ran out the door, stopped at Starbucks for the biggest tea ever and a hummus protein plate; my first meal of the day. I had to pee all day and finally got the chance at 7pm that night. Talk about a day. We learned how to prime a primary IV line, prime a secondary line and do IV Piggybacks and IV Push medications... how to flush IV's, how to insert NG tubes and a full cardiac assessment. I am super full to the brim with information at this point.. plus try to understand IV calculations, study for Med Surg, study for Physical Assessment and I tell you what, I'm gonna be living in that nursing lab. :-\ 7 more weeks... 7 more weeks. At this point, I don't even know if I'll be running in the 5K I'm supposed to run in next weekend. I am beyond exhausted when I get home I have not one drop of energy left. Whatever... I don't even know if Jane wants to do it anymore either. Pray for me.. lol

To say 'overwhelmed' is an understatement.

So our first med surg lecture was today and it went well. I like the professor so far... she seems nice and has my same sense of humor so hopefully we'll get along just smashingly.

I had my meeting with my clinical instructor for Psych which did not turn out as well as I had hoped. :( Strive for excellence, right? Wrong. Strive to pass? Correct. 

I also wrote out my calendar for the next 8 weeks in my planner. Yowza is all I have to say. I feel like I'm literally going to have absolutely no life. Between lab from 0800-1300 on Thursdays and Fridays to clinical on some Thursdays and Fridays from 7a-1400pm plus work at 3pm plus lecture Monday's from 0800-11:50am to Physical Assessment on Tuesdays from 5-1940pm then simulations, skills testing etc. Not to mention the reading for the class, which is a bajillion pages per class, the online quizzes and the case studies that have to be completed every week. Obviously there's the clinical evaluation due each week as well which takes me hours because we must answer 500 repetitive questions, learning IV drop rate calculations and getting 100% on that exam when the time comes. Physical Assessment and that test which is coming up in 2 weeks (same week as a med surg test) and then preparing for simulations as well as the physical assessment final. Who has the time?! Clinical and then going to work is going to kill me. I usually like to take each week one step at a time; one day at a time but this just seems impossible. 2 months... 2 months... 2 months... 

I also feel absolutely helpless because my grandma is going to need help getting to her chemo treatments. They live 4 hours away so it's difficult to get up there, for me, during the week with school and with work. Her treatments are 5 days/week. My grandpa works nights during the week at WalMart (don't even get me started on this topic again :( ) and my uncle that lives across the street will be able to do some but he also travels for his job. My other uncle that lives down here is starting to work midnights (he's a police officer) so his time is limited as he'll be working all night. Driving 4 hours to Wisconsin is not going to be all that smart after working all night with no sleep. My aunt is apparently not coming to terms with the fact that her mother is sick and needs help because her offer was 'well, she can come here and live in one of our houses on the golf course. The hospitals here are awesome and she'll get what she needs'. She wants to be home. Who doesn't want to be home when they're sick? I have my own opinions about this whole ordeal but I keep my mouth shut. I just wish I was able to help. Maybe on my Wednesdays off... her treatments start at 10:45am and they're an hour away... so if I left at 5am, that would get me there around 9am, turn around and go an hour away would get us there on time... then drive her home and get back on the road by around 2pm, would get me home by 6 or 7pm. It's an option.... I mean, my uncle's old friend from high school visited my grandma this weekend and offered to fly in whenever, from California, to be able to take my grandma to chemo. But my aunt can't hop in her private jet to visit her mother. Seriously. It makes me sick. You're not going to get this time back. She's got cancer, you imbecile. Stop running to your husband to ask him what his plans are... it's time YOU made the plans. These are your PARENTS. ARGH. :-\ For gosh sakes, my grandpa is duct taping his shoes together because he doesn't have the money to buy new ones. :-( It's unreal.

First Things First.

Well let's start with the good news. I passed Psych nursing. Yes, it is truly a miracle. Thursday I got an email from my instructor saying final grades had been posted on Blackboard and if anyone received 152 points or lower, they need to make an appointment with her ASAP. I could not bring myself to look at the grade. It took me 5 minutes before I gathered up the courage to click on my Blackboard site. After trying to calm myself down long enough to see the grade, it was then that I burst into a full on sob. I had passed with an 80% on my final and 157 points. That is ridiculously close. I cannot even explain the emotion I experienced. I was beyond happy. It is only by the Grace of God that I passed. It is not my doing, that's for darn sure. I am so grateful for all of the friends that kept me in their thoughts Tuesday and in their prayers. They also certainly played a role in it and I am so glad. I have some great friends <3 So onto Med Surg I go... 

Tara was in town this week so I got to spend some time with her Wednesday and Friday. Wednesday we had a girls day in the city and it was beyond needed. We took the train to the city, got a latte, walked to Millennium Park and visited the Bean of course :) Then went to Cafe Boci for lunch which was delicious and very good. We talked about anything and everything to our plans in life to school to boys. It was the perfect lunch. Then we hailed a cab to Sprinkles Cupcakery which was delicious and so fun. The cupcakes were so good. We window shopped on  Michigan Ave, walked to State Street and watched the ABC7 news air from street level. Headed to Argo Tea and had sangria iced tea which was fabulous. Stopped at Garrett's Popcorn for some delicious popcorn. Then went to Payless to buy comfortable shoes because we both had bad ideas in choice of shoes for the day. We could barely walk! My feet STILL ache and it's been 3 days. Then we walked back to the train station, sat around for a bit and talked and headed home on the 7:30pm train. Today we met up at 11am for coffee at Starbucks, shopped in boutique stores in downtown AH and met April for lunch at Salsa17. Shopped some more and then I had to head to work. I hope Tara moves back to town soon. We have a blast together. <3

Meanwhile, my grandma's cancer has been staged 3a lung cancer. The prognosis is about 16 months on chemo and radiation. I hope they give her the option to think about just foregoing chemo and radiation to live the rest of her life pain free rather than be extremely weak and sick. :( It's just a sucky situation all around. My dad is up there now visiting and talking with her. I am working tomorrow so I could not go, which just stinks.

Thursday night I was at work and got a text from my mom saying they were taking my sister to the ER for a possible blood clot. Long story short, she had a bone spur removed Tuesday. Thursday she felt a bump on her calf, redness, swelling, pain, heat. Took her to the ER... 4 hours and a Doppler ultrasound later, they determined it to be DVT. After what seemed like days, she was admitted to the observation unit and was discharged home this morning at 11am with Lovenox injections and 3-6 months of Coumadin therapy. I have so much to say about how the hospital's ER SUCKED  but it's almost 1am, I didn't get home last night from the hospital until 3am and I am beyond exhausted. She was fine all day but then tonight started getting a rash, which can be a sign of internal bleeding if taking an anticoag. She refused to go to the ER so I insisted at least the treatment center, who said they could not do anything for her and if she has a blood clot, she has to go to the ER at the hospital. By the time they got back in the car, the rash had subsided a bit so they went home. I give up. I hope next week is better. :-\

Psych.

Throughout my time in the nursing program this far and being in clinical for Psych, I have come to realize how easy it is for people... normal every day people, like me, to completely lose it. Today was the Mental Health nursing final. I studied a ton and there comes a point when you're studying that you just cannot study anymore. I went into the test this morning with a positive outlook, saying to myself I was going to be fine, I knew the material and I'm going to move on to Med Surg next week with no problem. I took deep breaths, visualized myself on a beach with a margarita in my hand and a good book in the other (something unreleated to nursing). Then I got the final and it's like it all went out the window. The test was 100 questions and for me to pass the class, I need to get a 78% which means I'm able to miss 22 questions of 100. People keep telling me I'm going to be fine and I hate that. People have no CLUE if I'm going to be fine. If they were God standing before me with 'Amanda's Future' in His hands, then yes, I'd believe it if He said I'd be fine. But nobody has any idea if I'll be fine. I don't know if I'll be fine. I know it's just something that's easily said but it doesn't make the other person feel better... it just makes the person saying it feel better. 

I left the room after finishing the test feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Honestly, I thought I was going to pass out. After sitting for a bit, I felt a little better but still felt horrible about the exam. I got in the car to go home and just ended up driving to no place in particular. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to explain all of this to have someone try to understand why I was sobbing. I am sick of these stupid tests making me feel like I am a stupid person. I get the material. I understand what I need to be doing. I just cannot relay it to you on a piece of paper with trick questions. And some of them ARE trick questions to throw you off. 

Anyway, I can't stand to wait any longer. I want to know what my plan is for the next 8 weeks. I hope and pray it's Med Surg because I do not want to repeat Psych. I'm crossing everything that's crossable to pass. I just hope it's enough. :-( 

I keep thinking of going on an anxiety medication and I truly think I'm going to look into that now. I cannot keep living like this, throwing things out of proportion, getting so extremely upset about things to the point of crying and then I exhaust myself. I am not against taking any medication a person needs but I just hate to think I need it because of this program. But anxiety can do things to you that make you unrecognizable and I do not like that. :-(

The news is not good.

This morning, I found out my grandma has lung cancer. It hasn't really set in yet for me, I don't think. I'm sad about it but it certainly is not shocking for me unfortunately. She was in the hospital for many different respiratory issues this past summer and the last admission was the worst thus far. They thought she had had a heart attack. Looking back, I wonder why they didn't do a lung biopsy when she was admitted the last time to rule out lung cancer. Looking up the symptoms of lung cancer, she's textbook on all of them. Of course I don't want to look to other vices to blame them because that's what grieving people do right? We blame other people or things... it's part of the process. My grandma will get a PET scan early this coming week which will determine if it has metastasized and what stage she is in. To be honest, I'm expecting the worst. My grandma weighs maybe 80 lbs soaking wet and has deteriorated throughout the past few years. She has COPD, chronic bronchitis, horrible asthma, has 500 cats and is a former smoker. The one thing I am sure that ails her the most right now is 'who is going to take care of the cats when she dies?' because everyone believes she should have gotten rid of them a long time ago. They cannot afford it and with the way her asthma is, it's surely contributing to her coughing fits. But those cats are the only things she has in her life. Her and my grandpa barely speak, they're payments away from getting their home taken from them from the bank because the farm they used to live in never sold when they moved to Wisconsin so they've been paying two mortgages. So much that my grandma has taken a job at a bed and breakfast in their town cleaning rooms and I just found out today my grandpa, who used to be the owner of a company in Chicago, is working the night shift at WalMart collapsing boxes and packing things. He has a heart condition. At this stage in their lives, they should be enjoying life... not wondering if they're going to have enough money to pay their bills. It just breaks my heart :-( 

I'm sure it will all set in when we hear about the PET scan next week. I just have a very bad feeling about it. We're supposed to have a big family reunion next summer in Wisconsin... she's supposed to be at my wedding, hold my babies.... ok, I think it's setting in now. :-'( Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers.

Baby Shower success!

We had Ruth's baby shower today in the nursing lab at school. As far as I think, she was surprised! :) We had a good turn out and a great time. I have found out that I am a serious control freak when it comes to parties and probably needed an Ativan earlier today. After Psych Nursing lecture let out at 11:50am, I had to rush off campus to get small plates for the cake, streamers and balloons. I felt like every.single. slow person in the entire world was in my path. I was racing to get home so I could shower and get ready for the party but was stuck by a bulldozer crossing the street that I had to wait for, a train at the station that seriously took 20 minutes to pass  because some idiot was probably late getting TO the train. I was thisclose to going around the tracks but then that would have seriously put a damper on my arriving back on campus to set up the party by either A) getting killed or B) getting arrested for going around the railroad gates so I nixed that idea immediately :) Then I tried to avoid the traffic light in town by making a right and taking the side road to my house... but there's major construction going on on the main road which apparently meant the side road I was going to take was closed off. Of COURSE it was!! Oy I was beyond help at this point and was so stressed. Loking back, I have no clue why. I had plenty of time but when it comes to parties, I am a control FREAK. Everything must be perfect. So I came home, showered and got ready and then packed everything in the car; the plates (which I ridiculously purchased two different color pinks, then sat yesterday and intertwined light and dark pink plates so it would look pretty... and also put napkins between the plates LOL I know, I'm a bit neurotic), the cups (which I also alternated pinks with), utensils, table cloths, It's A Girl confetti for the cake table, uh, the CAKE LOL, the gift and of course my stuff for class that night as well. I loaded it all up and then went to pick up my friend from school so she could come with me and get a veggie tray. We got to school around 2pm and set everything up in the room and by 3pm, Ruth was there. It was a great party and I'm so glad we could do this for her. :)

On another happy note, I got a 27/30 on my first Physical Assessment test! This is wonderful news, thank you very much. I SUCK at tests so each one I get above an F on, I celebrate. :)

Running and School...Add work and you've got an Amanda Casserole.

Alright so this 5K is coming up in 4 weeks and running is still such a struggle. I don't know when to run anymore because in the morning, I usually have class. In the evening, I'm working or already showered and who wants to blow dry their hair AGAIN? :) Any chance I'll get a huge burst of energy at 7:30am on Oct 30th? Because it's a costume race, I have decided to go as a penguin. How cute, right? LOL It's because I probably look like I waddle when I run and.. I'm slow. So when you're a slow runner (though I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a runner) you're inducted into the penguin club. So I'm representin'. :) I actually bought a cute hat off of Etsy and will wear a bow tie and all black with maybe a white thing on the front of my black top. God help me if summer decides to return on Oct. 30th. I'll die of heat. 

2 more weeks left of Psych nursing, that is, if I pass the final. I need a 79% which doesn't seem difficult to achieve but it is... so pray for me! :) We've had two lab classes for Physical Assessment where we listen to lecture the first 50 minutes and then the next 90 minutes or so, we practice off of our mastery sheet and then once we're comfortable enough, we're tested. It's going well and I've done well both time. What I'm most concerned about is the final where we must do the complete head to toe assessment within 30 minutes. But I'm not worrying about it now as Med Surg I am sure will be more difficult and that is what I'm most freaked out about currently. I am really trying my best to go into it with a positive attitude but when half of my peers are coming out of their 8 weeks with sad stories of them not passing things or how horrible sim is, it's not really easy to maintain positivity. :-\ *fingers crossed*

Ruth's baby shower is Tuesday. I was going to make the cake but discovered I'm not superwoman and when the hell would I have had time to make the cake? The perfectionist that I am, I would have ended up with 6 cakes; none of them good enough. We're having the shower at school in between Pysch and Physical Assessment. I got a bunch of decorations at Hobby Lobby, pink tablecloths, pink napkins, cups, utensils, plates etc. We're having Subway sandwich party trays, fruit, chips, veggies, guac, salsa, etc. I can't wait to see Ruth's face... she's one of the girls in Med Surg right now and is really struggling so I'm sure this will make her feel better. At least I hope so. The girl helping me plan it asked me if we should bring our cameras. If you know me at all, you'll know I laughed and said 'My camera is a permanent part of my body'. :-P It'll be a blast. Monday will be a little hectic with clinical in the morning until 1pm, then picking up the cake at 1:30pm followed by our first Physical Assessment test at 5:30pm-6:00pm. Next week is busy altogether but it's always doable. :) 

In closing (kind of feel I'm making a graduation speech), I just want to say how very glad I am for the people that I have in my life and glad about the people that are not. :)