Just some thoughts

I was thinking today of my friend who lost her daughter... and then spoke to a friend of mine who attends nursing school with me and who was very good friends with my friend's daughter. I keep thinking that I just cannot imagine what my friend is going through. If I lost one of my close friends, I don't know how I could go on... and if I lost one of my family members, I just cannot imagine. My heart goes out to everyone affected by Ashley's death. And then how much I appreciate every single friend I have, especially those I consider close friends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Today, I feel like crying.

I found out today that a co-worker and friend of mine, who has overcome breast cancer so far with a double mastectomy and is focused on recovering so she can return to work, has lost her daughter. Her daughter was 24 years old and was hit by a train last night at 10:30pm. I am shocked. I didn't know Ashely, her daughter, personally but she'd always talk about her at work and I knew of her. My friend in nursing school was Ashely's friend and mentioned that she had been in the hospital 2 weeks ago for trying to overdose on pills. I am heartbroken for Angela and cannot imagine how she's dealing with this. 

Then I read Hawaii is under a tsunami warning, which means it will more than likely happen. I cannot imagine the terror these people are going through, trying to gather supplies and evacuating and leaving their homes not knowing if they come back, their home will still be there. :( The people that are in Chile that have lost everything they have from the 8.8 earthquake. What is going on?

Lots of people need a lot of prayers today.

Getting closer :)

I've survived yet another week of nursing school. So happy :) I feel like those olympic skiers that ski downhill with the flexible poles they have to knock down? I have no idea the actual name but each time a week goes by, I feel like I've knocked down a pole. Woohoo! I passed my Pathophysiology exam and also passed my NUR 110 exam so so far, have only failed one exam as of yet. Hoping to keep it that way *crossing fingers* 

I am so thrilled that since one week ago, when I registered for the breast cancer walk, I've raised 21% of my goal of $1,800. I still have a long way to go but I am just so grateful people have been so generous. <3 Almost under 100 days left until the walk!

 

What a week!

I got my second test back this week and passed! So that means 100% for the dosage test and a passing on this test as well. This one was difficult and I'm still going to email my professor to meet with her and ask her which ones I got wrong and why... what is the rationale behind them. I'm curious. I hope next week goes just as well.

I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow and my eye brows waxed. I feel like an ogre. LOL I've had no time to do any of that lately and really don't have time to do it tomorrow but I'm doing it. I'm studying for Patho on Saturday morning at the library with my study group until I have to go to work so we'll get some good study time in.

I look forward to Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday mornings because I get to sleep in. Apparently my body no longer knows what this means and I get up at 7:30am regardless. Now, it's still later than usual, especially how early I get up on Tuesdays for being at school by 7:30am. But I'd like to sleep until at least 8:30am!

I have signed up for the breast cancer walk but started another blog just to focus solely on that. I have to start training for it (which I am excited about... I seem to do better with exercise when I have a plan to follow) plus the weather will (HOPEFULLY) start warming soon.

Hallelujah!

Today we begin with some fabulous news... I had my dosage calculation exam today and I PASSED!!! Oh my gosh I am BEYOND thrilled. I could have jumped up and down for an hour by how freaken excited I was. Our professor emailed us around 5:30pm which was awful waiting! I felt like I was waiting for water to boil. Argh! She said she'd just email us 100%=Pass and that's what I got. I think that'll be the only 100% I'll EVER get on a test in the nursing program. And MATH, nonetheless!! 

My other test this morning was not so good... at least I don't have a good feeling but I pray I am wrong. I need to do well on this one. It was just very tough. :( I always have two questions that I contemplate back and forth on. It blows! So now I'm praying I pass. Time to start studying for the Patho test on Monday. When does it end?

Ughhhh

I feel like crap nuggets. I can't hear out of my ear and am so congested/decongested my nose doesn't know what to do. I feel like I have to sneeze all of the time but it tricks me and I end up just having a weird feeling in my nose. Frankly, it sucks. The inside of my head feels like it's being compressed or injected with water. I can't taste much of anything and smell isn't even an option. I'm SUCH a baby when I'm sick because I'm rarely, if ever, sick so I feel like it's magnified times 100. I am hoping tomorrow is better... today I woke up with a sore throat and had to be at school by 0830 until 2pm. It sucked! Tommorrow isn't much better as I have to be there by 0745 until 3pm. :(

Speaking of tomorrow, my dosage calculation test is tomorrow at 1pm. I am so scared. Passing that by 100% seems impossible even though the actual calculations aren't difficult. But when you're dealing with conversions of the metric system and making sure you're getting the right information, it's nerve wracking. So, prayers that I do well tomorrow are appreciated. I met with my mentor today and she helped me and another girl with oral medication administration. I am so nervous because there's just so many things to remember and it's worse when your instructor is watching you and judging your every move. We meet again next Monday for her to go through it one more time and then we'll each do a 'mock' medication administration and then I believe the next week she'll do it as an actual test and we'll be checked off. Scary stuff... I hate when people watch me. Gotta get over it though I supposed, as that'll be my life for the next 1.5 years. If I don't die from my sinus/cold issue first!

It's a B!!

I am happy to announce the special addition to my grades... a B on my first Pathophysiology test! The grade and the test taker are recovering well and both are so happy to see each other. ;-) I could have kissed the ground after finding out. I am just so happy. I hope I can keep up with this from now on. A few of my friends got A's, which kind of brought down my 'excited' meter but then I read something yesterday... 'you cannot compare yourself to others'. So I'm content. :) Day by day.... baby steps.

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

Lately there have been so many people I've known that have been affected by breast cancer... some have been so very blessed to have caught it before it caused a systemic issue while others have not been so lucky. It seems the closer we get to a cure, the more people find out terrible news. Last year I wanted to walk in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. This year I'm really motivated to do the Avon Walk. It's 39 miles; 26.2 the first day and 13.1 the next. I would love to get a group together and have an awesome experience together walking for a wonderful cause. I think just the atmosphere itself will be wonderful... in fact, just reading the information on the website gave me chills. I have about 4 months to train as the walk is in June. The kicker is $1800 must be raised by each member of your team and that's difficult, especially in these times. But hopefully it will be done. I am pumped. :)

My eval.

Normally we have one on the anniversary month in which we were hired (and mine would be June-August) but they've since changed that for some reason. Anyway, I went in and sat down and my boss says 'Amanda Amanda... your review....' so of course I am like 'Oh my gosh.. what did I do?!' and she continues to say 'Your review is one of the easiest reviews I've had to do.' I was flattered. She said that I am one of the reasons she enjoys coming to work and that my work ethic is so high that it is evident on how much I enjoy working there. I was speechless. She continued and said my co-workers enjoy working with me and that I never have to be told to do something and because of this, everything flows better on the unit. She said she respects the fact that I don't get involved in the politics and drama of everything that goes on in a unit full of women.... Oy, Lord knows I try to keep my distance from that. Life lessons you take with you that you've learned from the past ;-) ;-) I received 'exceeds expectations' on everything which means I get a raise. She went on and said that I am going to make an exceptional nurse just merely based on how I function at work today. She did ask me why I left NICU and I had a brief "uh..." moment but just told her the truth in that I felt like I was more of a secretary in NICU and the experience I would get on the floor in Mother Baby would better benefit me for nursing school and beyond. She asked if there was a position open in NICU or L&D when I graduated, would I take it? I said my first love is postpartum and is why I want to be a nurse... I like teaching new parents how to care for this new life they've just met. It's scary but exciting and they're so thankful and appreciative (well, most of the time ;-) ). It's fulfilling. I said I would take any job in Women's Services (includes Mother Baby, NICU and L&D) because this is the place I'd like to stay.

I am over the moon. Obviously words of affirmation mean the world to me (probably the reason I save every single card I receive ;) and I probably could have done without the raise and still would have been ecstatic. I work hard and it's just very nice to have someone recognize it and tell you once in a while 'Thanks for doing it'. Just wanted to share my exciting news.... which totally trumped my whole 'bad grade' on my first nursing exam. I got in my car after my eval and teared up. Hearing that my boss has faith in me in becoming a nurse, someone who sees me firsthand with patients in the environment I'm hoping to be in, it just meant a lot to me, especially when I'm very much doubting myself.

To celebrate (and actually to take a break from studying Patho) I went to dinner with a friend and had a Pink Punk Martini at TGI Friday's. It was deeeelicious. :) Study group is tomorrow morning.. I think I'll pick up some doughnuts to get us off on the right foot. ;-) 

Well, the wait didn't kill me.

The grade might though. I did not do well, like I expected, on my first exam. Not the best thing for someone who is already so unsure of herself in this program.It really makes me doubt myself even more. I emailed my professor and want to arrange a meeting with her to discuss my exam and what I did wrong... what I could maybe do better for the next one in a week. I am disappointed in myself. :( I also feel so alone because most of my friends in nursing school did pretty well... one got a few points away from an A and she was pissed. Argh. I understand that being so close to an A is frustrating but to be pissed? Come on. You passed and did well on your first nursing school exam. Some of us did not. I pray the next exam is better... I finished my 'My Philosophy of Nursing' paper and am going to post it on here. Most of what I'm posting is for my reference because I've always enjoyed going back to past posts and reading. It's certainly not perfect but I don't think it's half bad.

         Becoming a nurse was the profession that I always wanted to pursue.  Most of my passion to become a nurse was based on seeing nurses on television shows and the way that it always seemed like the nurse would swoop in after the doctor left, providing the patient a shoulder to cry on. They are the advocate, the counselor, the friend that couldn’t be there or the nurturing constant in the patient’s life.  I feel nursing is more than a medical profession, it’s a profession that gives me the chance to leave a heartprint on someone’s life. I believe nursing is more than treating a patient based on doctor’s orders. It is more than showing up to work and “getting through” an eight hour shift. It is being able to make a difference in someone’s life that may be in a vulnerable state and the nurse is their only source of comfort. Nursing provides care unique to its field in that a nurse heals not only physically but emotionally as well.

            I have always thought about becoming a nurse. For me, caring has always been a large part of my life. Most of my time was spent caring for children.  For one family, I became a constant in their children’s lives and they depended on me. I formed a relationship with them and they felt comfortable with me, allowing the entire family to trust me with their most precious cargo. Trust is an extremely important component while caring for someone else and is the foundation upon forming a relationship. It is very important to have similar values in nursing. Caring for a patient is just the same. They are central to the care that nurses offer and not one patient is the same; just like each of the children that I’ve watched don’t require the same care. I feel that caring for a patient should be individual and not compared to past experiences. It is with utmost importance that the patient feels comfortable with their nurse and that is my job, as their nurse, to be certain they trust me.

            When I was in fifth grade, my teacher paid me a compliment after seeing how I handled a situation with my peers. She said I was very empathetic, which was a word I had never heard before. I asked my teacher what it meant, to which she replied that it is one of the most challenging qualities a person can attain because while it’s quite easy to feel sorry for someone and have sympathy, empathy requires one to actually understand and share in a person’s emotions and feelings. I feel that empathy is most definitely something that should be included in a nurse’s care. While I will not always understand what a patient is going through, it’s pertinent that as a nurse, I make an effort to be aware of my patient’s emotions and why they’re feeling the way they are.  As a nurse, it’s also my job to find a way to make them feel better as best as I can. Benner and Wrubel’s theory really struck me, stating that caring is central to the patient. I feel that when a person knows they’re truly cared for and know someone is concerned for them; it gives the patient a sense of comfort. They know that they matter to someone and just knowing that can be enough to help a patient overcome fear or stress that may be attributed to an illness. As patient to nurse ratio becomes higher, it’s easy for nurses to do their medical job quickly with no specialized touch of caring. However, while reading ‘The Fundamentals of Nursing’, a specific sentence struck me, “If a certain aspect of care takes 15 minutes of contact, it will take the same time to deliver the care in an organized manner as it would in a rushed, harried manner” (Potter and Perry pp.6). Simple acts such as going into the room of a patient that is receiving chemotherapy treatments and holding their hand when no family is present to comfort them or shaking the hand of a new father and congratulating him are things not everyone thinks of as part of nursing care. To me, this is extremely important and a large reason as to why I’m becoming a nurse.

            I still remember the actual day I made the exact decision to become a nurse. I was in high school participating in the hospital observation program through Harper. I was observing in Labor and Delivery and shadowed Kathleen, a nurse, whom ironically I actually work with today. Watching the way she interacted with the new parents all throughout the delivery made me want to start the nursing program right then and there. She displayed all of the characteristics I believe a wonderful nurse should portray. She made them feel like they were the only 2 people on the floor that night and you could see how pleased they were to have someone that truly wanted to be involved in their exciting moment.

Nurses are involved in many exciting and scary times in a person’s life. Not all nurses provide the same care. Any nurse can enter a patient’s room, start an IV, give medication and change a Foley catheter. But not just anyone can do it to where they make that patient feel like they’re on the top of the nurse’s priority list and even the simplest request can make the patient feel like they matter. I feel this is the only acceptable type of nurse to become. Incorporating the person, their health, the environment they’re in and the nursing care is what truly matters in treating a patient. I want my patients to walk out of the hospital smiling, knowing that they received the very best care I am capable of giving. I have two choices when treating patients; get in and get out or go in and make a difference. And for me, making a difference and having a career where I can be a part of the lives of thousands of people in some of the best and worst times of their lives is the only choice me.

The wait.

is going to kill me. We won't find out our grades from the first exam until Friday and I'm pretty sure I bombed it. The questions are very different from what I've had on other exams in the past. Basically, all of the questions are right, it's just up to you to choose which one fits better than the others and why. I don't know, I just don't have a good feeling about it. If we get below a 76%, we need to make a one on one appointment with the professor to figure out how to get a better grade on the next exam (which is in 2 weeks). I pray I am wrong about the grade but I just have a bad feeling about this. Not to mention, I had to be there by 7:45am so I set my alarm for 5:50am. I went to bed at midnight, woke up at 2am... woke up at 4am and then finally got up at 6am. It had snowed about 2 inches and when I went to my car, it wouldn't unlock. I have key less entry and the stupid door would not unlock. Thank goodness there's a key inside so I took that out and unlocked it. I don't know what the deal is but that is the third time it's happened. ARGH! Talk about panic. 'Tired' isn't even describing how I felt when I got home at 3:30pm.. I fell asleep at 9pm and woke up at 9am... guess I needed some rest.

Pathophysiology's first exam in Monday... I'm going to meet with our study group on Saturday before work and hopefully that'll help. Last semester in Micro, the study groups helped immensely and I really think that helped me get the A in that class. I said the other say that I actually miss Micro. How sad is that? 

Anyway, the whole running thing has been non-existent yet again. I'm actually going to sign  up for a 5k sometime in May and retrain so I do better than a 35:35 and can actually run again without feeling like dying. Signing up for a race is probably the only thing that'll keep me motivated. I also am going to sign up for this 'Scavenge Chicago' thing with some friends, which sounds like so much fun. They put clues all around the city and you have to find them based on the first clue... hence scavenge and take photos of each place. It's in May and apparently the whole thing is over 3 miles around the city so it's categorized as a 'race'. At the end you meet up with everyone in the race at a bar for drinks and a buffet. Even more reasons to look forward to May... with the biggest one being the end of the first semester of nursing school. :)

Have to add... my horoscope on both my Yahoo homepage and my phone are oddly similar and make me smile as the thoughts they're referring to have most definitely entered my mind this week.

Wednesday February 3rd, 2010

Yahoo Homepage:

Ready for that long-cherished dream to become a reality? Bet you are, and bet you're thrilled. Some changes -- definitely positive -- are brewing on the job front. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get out of the way and let that new energy happen. That might sound easy, but you know how you get when things start to spin out of control. This time around, assist it.

Blackberry Horoscope:

If you set your sights on something awhile ago and have worked toward a goal for awhile, don't allow thoughts of giving up enter your mind. You may be tired of dealing with the red tape or numerous trivialities of a certain pursuit, but sticking with it will all be worth it in the end. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint, and you'll have an easier time working through it. Let your mind wander today and imagine what life could be like once you've achieved some of your bigger goals.

Pressure.

I have my first nursing exam tomorrow and then starts a test every week until May between Patho and my nursing class. I was looking at some of the dosage calculation stuff on the worksheet and I think I'm pretty screwed on it. I seriously am doubting myself again. All of these conversions and things, I have no idea how I'm going to memorize them and just know how to do it all. In fact, I'm slightly freaking out... if I don't pass the dosage calculation test with a 100%, I'm out of the program. :-( I was thinking about this earlier today while in Pathophysiology (because if you don't pass Patho, you are out of the program as well) and wondered what I would do if I didn't pass and was out of the program... and honestly, at this point I can't say that I would reapply. I'm praying it doesn't come down to that choice but I feel like I have wasted so much of my life (yes, at the ripe old age of 23) working towards this. It is so frustrating to me. Tomorrow my mood may change and I might feel differently. It's just difficult to gauge. I feel so overwhelmed with everything to the point of I just don't even know where to start. I'll be so glad when this test tomorrow is over with so I know what to expect on the next tests... I wish so badly that I could survive on the income that I bring in now so that I could just stay a tech. And oddly enough, saying that makes me feel like such an underachiever. Everyone talks about going back to get their Master's and I just feel sick even THINKING about going to do that. I'm having trouble stomaching possibly going to get my Bachelor's if I graduate. I don't know what it is... if I'm just burnt out from school or what but the thought of school just makes me ill. I'm hoping it'll change... it has to.