Dear Self Esteem

Where the HELL are you? Truly.

I believe I have the lowest self esteem known to man. I never have a damn thing that is good to say about myself or my appearance. I am not the skinniest person and I long to be skinny. That has been on my 'to do' list since I was born at 9lbs. I should have known being almost 10lbs I would be overweight the rest of my life. (See? There I go again... it's like I dont even know I'm being down on myself). It's getting out of hand. It's getting to the point where I dont know I'm saying it and then people around me probably think I'm saying those things for attention or that I'm fishing for compliments. I have to look at pictures after someone takes them to verify I look halfway decent. And most of the time, we end up taking another one because it's not up to "my standards". I have always said once I get skinny, it'll be so much better but 'getting skinny' is not going to take away my problems. See, I'm not stupid. I KNOW. I'm still going to have problems with myself. Whether it's a zit or pants that make my butt look big or whatever.

When people would ask me to name one good thing about myself, I would always say I have good hair. Well, I ruined that during my 'perm phase' back in February that is STILL lingering in my hair. So now, if someone asks me what is one good thing about me, I have no answer. That is so pathetic. Surely there must be one good thing about me, right?

My friend (well, actually two of them) have said they go see counselors and it's good for them to just go every month and talk with them. I've come so close to calling but I am way too scared to go. I would have no CLUE what to say and I cant just start talking about my issues.

I'm afraid my friends are going to start resenting me because they will become annoyed with me. I give them props for sticking with me this long. It's really starting to wear on me.