Oblivious.

Oh what a week and I feel like I'm a storm chaser... I see the tornado ahead of me and I keep on going down the interstate towards it.... like an idiot. LOL But I have no other choice. That's probably the best analogy I can come up with to describe my life right now.

Clinical is tomorrow and I totally forgot to wash my uniform. Luckily I had remembered this earlier this evening. They're washed but my brother just got some new flannel blue sheets for his bed and they turned the inside of the dryer blue... and I have white pants. So no way was I drying white pants in there and taking that risk. I can just see the scenario now tomorrow morning when I go to get the pants out of the dryer... huh, blue specks that match the blue on my top. No thank you very much. I hung them dry so I hope there's not too many wrinkles in the morning. *crossing fingers*

I went to the lab today to practice from about noon until 5pm. Fun times with fellow students and got some practice time in. I still feel like I'm going to forget something during skills testing.. some small stupid thing. Skills testing is in a week from Tuesday. I am so scared of IM injections and the stupid reconstitution dosage calc problems. They totally mess me up so I have to really review those many times so I'm comfortable with them and with the syringes. I'm trying to think positively and try to go into this simulation more relaxed. 

I passed my Patho test but am still at a 76 (almost 77) percent and I need to make sure I do well on the next test and the final. The next test is reproductive so I'm hoping it'll be ok as I know more about that subject than any other. I need to do VERY well in the nursing class. So my last actual nursing exam is on Tuesday (but I have clinical tomorrow, a meeting for work after clinical.. then come home, do my clinical eval that is usually due Saturday but I work Fri, Sat and Sun). I'll study as much as I can in between work (which is going to be nutso anyway since we're moving to the new tower). Monday I have Patho and then am going to the lab to practice again for a few hours. Come home and study for the test the next day... take test on Tuesday and am at school until 5pm for lab. Wednesday the lab is closed at school, which totally sucks and I work. Thursday is clinical again and I work after clinical. Do self eval... and study study study/prepare for skills testing all weekend for Patho exam on Monday and skills testing on Tuesday. You'd think it's over at that point, right? Wrong. Study study study for 2 finals the following week; Monday the 17th and Tuesday the 18th. On Tuesday May 18th at 1pm, I will be skipping down the sidewalk of Harper College to my car and praising God for the summer. I literally cannot WAIT for this break and am so glad I decided to go into the program in the spring so I have this break. I want my life back and I want to not feel guilty for doing things other than studying and practicing for school. I want organization back, darn it! :) 

But May 18th seems like years away at this point even though it's only 2 weeks. And at that point, I'll be on the other side of the tornado, kissing the ground that I survived the storm... until the next one arrives in August.

How can you miss something you never had?

Ok so I know this is completely ridiculous. Normally I'm a bit more grounded than the following post:

I am still so bummed about Tyler not replying to me. Twice. I'm sad that, at this point, we haven't met or even given it a chance. Now, the logical side of me says things could be going on in his life that I don't know about it maybe it's not the right time. But even just as a friend... getting to know him. I don't know. Every time I'm on Facebook now, I look for him or see if he's online. Yeah it's probably considered stalking lol but it got me all butterfly-ish when he commented on my status last week. It's like he's a tease and it's driving me bananas.

Meanwhile today was a much better day at school compared to Monday. Ugh, that was just awful. My hospital for clinical has started a new medication administration procedure with scanning meds into the computer before giving them. The students have not been oriented to this system (it just started around Christmas so it's fairly new). Because of this, we will not have the opportunity to pass medication to real patients this semester. To make up for this, the two instructors for the Thursday am clinicals (mine and another group) decided to have a 'medication simulation experience' for two people at a time for one hour in our new simulation hospital. I signed up for today from 1-2pm with another girl from my group.

I know how to pass meds. I know the 7 rights and 3 checks. They told us we'd need to do a head to toe assessment as well and that there would be actual people in the beds, not dummies. I went into the simulation hospital and they were still finishing up with other people that were before me. My instructor told me she'd be with me in a moment but to look at the computer in the meantime to find the patient's progress notes, med sheet, MD orders etc. I did that, felt confident in everything and waited for my instructor. The lab person (she co-manages the lab) told me I could go see my patient and begin my assessment. I was a little confused because my instructor said she'd be with me in a minute but someone else was telling me to go do my assessment. I wasn't about to question so I went.

I got into the room, introduced myself and my role, checked the ID band, made sure the bed was locked and low, did my safety check. Then I was looking for the hand sanitizer, which is what I think just completely flustered me. It was right in front of me the whole time and I looked around saying 'I'm just going to clean my hands if I can find the sanitizer!' and the student in the bed was just silent. She finally said 'They've been using that one on the wall' and I just felt like the biggest dumb ass that ever lived. I tried to recover from that but it just went downhill from there. :( I asked if she was in any pain and she said no but her IV site was itching and they had made it to look like it was red. Normally I'd say 'Ok I'll tell your nurse' but kinda don't think that'd fly here seeing as that's me. Then because I was so flustered, we were always told that if we're in simulation and we need a break, to say 'I need a time out for a second'. So I did... and the "patient" just stared at me like I was such an idiot. I said "Ok I'm going to take your blood pressure, I'll be right back" and got the hell out of that room. I tried to just keep going, even though I was on the verge of tears, and asked where the BP cuffs were. The lab manager showed me and before I went back in said 'Ok you know what? I just need a moment' and she said 'Sure, why don't you go sit at the table and take a minute'. I sat down and the tears just flowed. My friend sitting across from me said I was so pale and I could feel my heart.gif racing about 200 beats a minute. My clinical instructor (the one who originally told me she'd be with me in a moment) came over and was just so nice saying 'how about some water? would you like to take a walk?' I declined both and just sat there for a bit longer. The lab manager came over and said "Your patient went to X Ray ;) and will be back soon" since the simulation hospital is supposed to be "real". She came back to me about 10 minutes later and said my patient is back from X Ray and I could go in when I was ready.

This time it was a different person in a different room and I felt so much better. I went in and checked the ID, which said the wrong name so I excused myself and walked out, alerting the "charge nurse" aka lab manager. I wasn't sure if that was a trick or if it was accidental. They changed the ID and I did everything fine. I came back out of the room and did meds with my clinical instructor, drew up Heparin and she said I did very well and was very safe. In our conference after passing the meds, she said she knows it can be nerve-wracking with people watching but she knows I am capable of these things just by watching me in clinical at the hospital. It made me feel better but I am still so embarrassed that I got all flustered on something so ridiculous like a head to toe assessment that we weren't even being tested on... and even more embarrassed that tears actually flowed. :(

I am so not looking forward to skills testing in 3 weeks :( Pray for me.

Clincal Day #4

My 4th clinical was today.. only 4 more to go until summer!! :) Anyway, I had a 54 yr old who had an exploratory lap, total abdominal hysterectomy, bilateral salpingoopherectomy w/ frozen section, pelvic peri-aortic lympheoaectomy vaginal sacropexy bilateral Burch procedure. I know.

She had her surgery yesterday so today was really post op day 1. I got report from my nurse and went into the room around 745 to introduce myself, explain who I was etc. She was so nice, already awake and looked happy to see anyone. I went to get some fresh linen and some bath sheets so I could give her a bath while she was in bed but first my instructor wanted to come with me to observe my head to toe assessment. I hate that. My problem is I do things but I do not verbalize that I am doing them so my instructor is aware... like I looked at her IV and saw what rate it was going at, looked at her Foley, her JP drain and her incision when I first went into the room. I'm not going to look at it again... I also confirmed she was the correct patient by looking at her name band on her wrist when I first went in. I'm not going to ask AGAIN.

I did my head to toe assessment but felt so flustered while my instructor watched me. I literally do the assessment from their head to their toes but today apparently wanted to do something different because I did her head, listened to her lungs, her apical pulse, went to her legs, feet and then back to her abdomen Ugh, WTH? I went out of the room when I was done and my instructor said 'Ok good, I assume you checked the name band when you came in initially. Good flow though of your assessment. Nice job.' Uh... I wanted to say 'Lady, that was not good at all!' but we'll just go with it.

I gave my patient her bath and then got her up to put her in a chair. While she was in the chair, I changed her bed linen and we talked about her family, the surgery she had and how we're both germaphobes. *giggle* Then she told me how incompetent the techs on the floor were. That was such a hard position for me to be in... I'm a tech but I wasn't today. Apparently the tech last night brought her a turkey sandwich... the patient said 'this isn't for me, is it? I just had surgery.' The tech said 'it's for you' and the patient said 'That's odd... I had surgery a few hours ago'. The tech went and checked and said it was for her. A few minutes later after the patient had eaten half of the sandwich, the tech comes running back saying 'Don't eat it, it's not for you!' Huh?? I'm sorry but if you're working on a post surgical floor, you should know if someone has had surgery a few hours prior, they wouldn't be eating a turkey sandwich. Most surgical patients don't have regular food until 24 hours. The patient was so mad.

I walked around the hallway with her and explained a bunch of things to her, which she was grateful for. I felt like I actually taught someone something today. (!!!) It was little things but things she did not know. She went back into the chair after the walk and I told her I'd come back and check on her in a bit and maybe she'd like to take a nap at that point. I came back after I filled out my paperwork for clinical and she had already been put back in bed... but wasn't happy. I went into the room and said 'Well look at you! How'd you get back in the bed?' and she said 'a tech.. you know, my IV tubing is kind of all over the place and my catheter is pulling... did she do all of this right?' I wanted to turn and see if she was talking to the actual nurse but it was me. LOL I felt so special. <3 I fixed her IV tubing and suggested we put a cath-secure lock on her thigh. She was so grateful and said I've given her such wonderful care, was so attentive and so caring. Then she was on the phone with a friend who is having an abdominal hysterectomy next week and said 'Amanda has been so awesome, she always knows what to do and is really just giving me awesome care. I love her, I don't want her to leave'. I could hear her friend on the phone say 'Let me write that name down!' *giggle* It was just so sweet of her to say those things. I know I am competent to give the care that I do but sometimes it's just so nice to get some reassurance. People are so quick to criticize but when people do a job above and beyond, it's rarely recognized. And especially with the way I've been feeling lately about this program... it was something I needed today

I don't want to do this anymore.

Today is not a good day. The lack of sleep is catching up to me and makes me tired constantly. I forget to take my Synthroid medication, which I am sure is what is causing me to have heart palpitations along with stress. I overslept and missed church today... church; the one thing I look forward to because He's the one person I can count on to give me comfort. I sit here sniffling and in tears because I am just beyond done with this stupid effing program. I feel like my life is one big unorganized, 'papers all over the place', messy desk. The Patho test tomorrow is ridiculous and is on Neuro and Musculoskeletal, all of which have way too much information for one person to process and absorb. The Powerpoint slides are such a cluster it's unbelievable that someone that is supposed to be a teacher put together. I don't even know where to start. I haven't started my holistic assessment that is due on Wednesday by noon, have to stay at school from 1pm-2pm tomorrow to do some stupid fricken lab because since the hospital we're at for clinical has a new scanning system and we need to be oriented to it. So instead we have to meet at school to do one on one time with our instructors. That's great. Time I do not have to give. Then at 3:30pm tomorrow I have yet ANOTHER meeting at work and then have to complete my holistic (or shall I say, start on it) which is 6 pages of things I have to do from clinical last Thursday. We have to wear our clinical uniforms to lab on Tuesday and we have to have supervised skills practice on drawing up insulin and sub Q injections. I've barely practiced either of these because I've been so busy studying or doing other things for school. My life sucks. I don't want to be in my room on a nice day like it out today studying or attempting to study. I want to go outside... I want to walk. The tight feeling in my chest and the palpitations need to go away. :( I can usually get a grasp onto things and talk myself out of things but this is ridiculous.

So this is my life (and Clinical #3)

And it could always be ten times worse and someone definitely has it worse than I do but gosh darn it, I'm tired. 

I had my third clinical yesterday which was good. I had to be at the hospital by 0630 because I'm a pushover and someone from work called to see if I could work after clinical. So I put all of my stuff in my locker that I use for Mother Baby and went to pre-conference for clinical. My patient was a 62 yr old woman who had a colon resection and a colostomy. The colostomy was interesting and it wasn't as disgusting as I was gearing myself up for. I felt awful for the poor woman.. the colostomy was very unexpected and her and her husband had to cancel their dream vacation to Alaska. :( I felt very busy yesterday going around with my nurse that I was following. But was so happy when my instructor came up to us, to ask how things were going, and the nurse I was following said 'Amanda is awesome. She's keeping up with me and is doing things wonderfully!'. I could have kissed her! LOL After my instructor said 'That's great! Keep it up!' and walked away, I said 'Thank you so much for that!' to my nurse. LOL Any little bit helps! I did my assessment, bathed her, changed her bed linens etc but felt so strapped for time due to following my nurse to see her other patients. We usually have to turn in our head to toe assessment forms by 0930, yeah right! I had done my assessment but hadn't written the information down. Plus we had to write a narrative which I barely finished while I was scurrying to write it during post conference. It was just nuts. Then I had to make sure I did my holistic assessment which is, unreal, 6 pages long. That's due next week plus my clinical eval that's due tomorrow by 6pm. 

To makes things even more awesome, I had an infant security class from 1-2pm and then worked 3-1130p. I was exhausted but saw Hope in the class too so we went and had coffee in the cafe at the hospital in between 2-3pm. That was nice to just sit and talk without the call lights going off behind me. Work was absolutely nuts and I do not want to go back today. We were full every single bed and there are 5 c sections scheduled for today. I have no clue where we're putting these women but please don't make me go back!! ;-)

Some weird people though I had to deal with... a man came to the doors to our unit and rang the bell. He said they delivered a baby at our hospital a few weeks ago and their baby loves the pacifiers we have (they're the green Soothies) and can he have another one because the baby lost their other one. I asked him to please hold on and went out where he was to talk with him. I said he would be able to get the Soothie pacifiers at stores like Target or Babies R Us. He said he went to Target and couldn't find one... I said a good idea would be to call the store first and ask if they have them but am sure Babies R Us would have them. I then explained I cannot just hand out the pacifiers as they're for the patients. He said 'is there a store here I can buy from because I just drove 45 minutes to come here?' to which I said no, but Target or Babies R Us has them. He said 'Is the manager here available?' (at this point, I wanted to scream STOP MOOCHING and also, not my problem you drove this far to get one... drive 45 minutes to another Target and pay the fricken $4 for the damn pacifier) but said yes, please wait in the waiting area and I will go and speak with her. I went to talk to the charge nurse and explained and she said 'Just give it to him'. :-\ I was not happy at all about this. I have been outside talking to this guy for 15 minutes about how we do not give out pacifiers and suggesting where to buy one and now I can just give him one? How stupid does that make me look? So I took the pacifier and gave it to the man. Unreal. I know it sounds stupid but it's the principle.. what if everyone came back asking for pacifiers, formula or the gauze mesh panties we have the mothers use? You don't start something like that.

I guess I better start doing something... I have so much to do, it's overwhelming at this point. :( Is it May yet? 

So I don't quite get it.. I'm still a little sad that Tyler never messaged me back. Whether it was intentional and he's just not interested or he forgot, I am still paranoid that I'll see him in the store or that he actually lives only around the block and he'll run into me running (not my cutest moment lol). I am ok with it because I didn't allow myself to get too excited about him... but there's a part of me that is disappointed. Sure I was scared... this is new territory for me. But I was excited scared. I'm not one of those girls that depends on a guy to make me happy... heck, if I did, I'd be so unhappy for a while. I am content with my life but the idea of having someone that was interested in me made me smile.

What I want to know is what exactly it is about me that men do not like... am I too secure in what I want? I don't fool around? I'm not outgoing enough for them? It's super annoying to question myself and what could I do better? Screw that. Guys would prefer sluts and women that dress like hoochies? By all means, have at it. :)

Had my first NUR 112 test today and I think I did ok. We'll see though... and who knows when I'll get it back. I'm anxious to find out my grade. Today I signed up for fall semester aka second semester of nursing school. How scary! I just hope I make it to second semester. :-P We learned how to administer G tube meds today (which is ridiculous and so many steps involved... it'll be a miracle if I remember all of them). I had such a hard time staying away today in lab and, unlike some people, I don't lay my head down when my instructor is speaking. I find it disrespectful... but I had to hold my eyes open which I'm sure looked fabulous. I need another spring break to catch up on some sleep!

Happy Easter!

'He was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; by His wounds we are healed' Isaiah 53

Got about 4 hours of sleep last night, which was clearly not enough. I worked (which was awesome because I hadn't been there for a week and missed my girls) last night and couldn't fall asleep until around 2am. Church was at 8:45am and parking is always a pain so we left here about 8:15am. I got up at 7am and was still the last one ready. LOL Figures. The church service was great... we sang all 8 verses of I Know That My Redeemer Lives, which is a great song. We also sang 'Beautiful Savior',one of my favorites and Jesus Christ Is Risen Today. I looove those songs... although we did not sing 'Life High The Cross' which is my ultimate favorite Easter song. I have great memories as a little girl singing that in church in my Easter dress. :-) We went to my grandma's for brunch like every year for the past x amount of years ever since I can remember. My cousins from WI are there and we have a nice day... we played football which was interesting! LOL I knew I had no clue how to play fball but today it became crystal clear. I just wish I had time to learn it! 

Ah what else is going on this week... tomorrow I have Patho until noon and then studying for my first exam for my second 8 week nursing class. Tuesday is the test and then lab all day until 5pm... I hate Tuesdays! Wednesday I'll start studying for Patho and HOPEFULLY get a work out in. I am becoming so depressed with my body but that's another post. Thursday is clinical once again... I have to remember to turn in a concept map with three nursing diagnoses for my patient from last week (I HATE nursing diagnoses... ugh) and then I have to do a holistic assessment on my patient this week to turn in for midterm next week (yep, midterm already for the second 8 weeks.. YAY!). Friday and Saturday I work and then any other time will be studying (and laundry and any other thing I can fit in). 

As far as what the next week contains, that is WAY too far in advance to think about. ;-) Let's just get through this week first and then we'll talk and let's just focus on having a good week. *fingers crossed*

Happy EASTER! He is Risen. <3 Alleluia.